


The Failed Conversion of Odessa Powlett

by DroughtofApathy



Series: A Thousand Lifetimes [28]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Graphic Depictions of Torture, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Character of Color, Psychological Torture, Rape/Non-con Elements, Religious Discussion, conversion therapy, strong homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-26 23:29:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17755553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DroughtofApathy/pseuds/DroughtofApathy
Summary: This is a story about a woman who goes to a conversion therapy camp to write a story, and I did actual research into camps like this and it was horrifying. I'd strongly recommend skipping this one if you're even a little bit sensitive to these things. All "methods" depicted are/were used in real life, and let me tell you, the movies really gloss over the true horrors of these places. And yes, this story does have a small romantic subplot, but the characters are in no fit mental state to embark on anything so there's none of that.





	The Failed Conversion of Odessa Powlett

**Author's Note:**

> See notes at end for crisis hotlines.

She thought these places were for poor children who didn’t have a say in the matter. Camps that helped them pray away the gay, or shock them into submission. But not for adults, no. Adults had no reason to sign themselves up for weeks of self-loathing and psychological harm. At least, that’s what she’d always thought. But someone at the paper got wind of an adult conversion therapy camp up in Maine, and who better to send to infiltrate than the paper’s residential lesbian.

Odessa Powlett wanted nothing more than to refuse the order. To go to a place that told her everything she ever was was wrong and a sin didn’t sound like a fun day at the beach to her. But she went because she had to. Because she was an Asian lesbian reporter who didn’t have options, and maybe just maybe this investigative story could be something worth being remembered for. Her mental asylum were she Nellie Bly. So, she packed up her things, and headed off to Maine.

She managed to commandeer an entire section of the train to herself. She assumed her less than inviting expression had something to do with it. Yes, Asian women who didn’t appear placid and serene did tend to ruffle Americans. But Odessa barely noticed, too caught up in her own anger.

A woman who openly enjoyed the company of other women in 1963 didn’t exactly receive stellar treatment. But her workplace never acknowledged her amorous dalliances with women, openly discouraging her from being candid about it. But no, now that they had a story, they suddenly all thought of the queer.

God, if she came out of this psychologically damaged, she’d have a thing or two to say to her editor.

Only after she disembarked from the train and caught a taxi to the camp did her throat seize up. She’d spent years coming to terms with her own sexuality. Her defiant and confident attitude towards her love of women came mostly from spite, not because she genuinely felt completely at ease with herself. Being contrary meant when people told her she was wrong, she naturally acted otherwise. But when Odessa was too young to mentally digest that, she’d been a wreck. And this assignment threatened to upend years of careful acceptance in just three weeks.

She had the car drop her off just outside the gates, deciding to use the walk to clear her head and convince herself she could do this. This fucking pit of hell would not change her or make her lose herself in hatred and fear.

Her tiny suitcase banged against her leg, but Odessa didn’t make any move to shift it. She’d packed only a few things because the camp assured her all clothing would be provided as well as anything else she might need. She made sure to send them her measurements as requested, knowing how tiny she was.

The man and woman who greeted her at the administration building smiled far too widely for Odessa to feel comfortable with. She didn’t miss the way they disdainfully glanced down at her trousers, or sneered at her red lipstick. Oh, hell, they were going to force her into dresses and skirts, Odessa just knew it.

The woman, Mrs. Leonard, took her arm and Odessa tried not to flinch. She led her to the dormitory building, explaining that they expected eighteen people to be joining them for this session. Odessa nodded, mentally filing everything she said into her memory for later. There were to be eight women and ten men.

“You’ll be sharing this room with another young woman,” Mrs. Leonard explained, her disturbing grin never wavering. “Once everyone arrives and gets settled in, we’ll all meet in the dining hall for dinner. Here’s your bagged lunch. Now, if you need anything or have any questions, we’ve laid out several pamphlets for you to read through. Tomorrow is when the real work begins.”

Though Mrs. Leonard didn’t say they had their work cut out for them with Odessa, the reporter knew she certainly thought it.

The moment the camp director’s clacking footsteps receded, Odessa opened up her suitcase and immediately started scribbling down all she could. She made sure to note no doors could be closed save when the guests were indecent.

“Refusing us the basic human decency of privacy,” Odessa muttered, flipping idly through one of the pamphlets. It mostly spoke of the evils of homosexuality which was the last thing Odessa wanted to hear, but she needed to know if she was to properly experience the entire program.

It took her several hours to work through the numerous pamphlets and leaflets. She didn’t even notice how her jaw clenched and her knuckles turned white until she relaxed. The testimonies of those who’d lived through the program cut deepest. Those poor, traumatized people. Odessa had to lie down while she convinced herself she’d never break like that.

The clacking of heels indicated that Mrs. Leonard had returned. Instantly, Odessa scrambled off the bed, stuffing her reporter’s pad under her pillow. She straightened her blouse, and busied herself with unpacking her other few belongings.

Mrs. Leonard nodded with approval when she saw the various readings spread out on Odessa’s bed. Odessa looked up, prepared to politely greet her roommate. She froze for half a second, as she took in the splendor of the woman who stood before her. Odessa, being just five feet tall, was used to others towering above her, but this woman must surely have been over six feet with her heels. She had dark red hair and bright blue eyes, and her skin was far _far_ paler than Odessa’s own browned tone. She too wore red lipstick rather than pink.

“Hello,” the woman greeted, offering her hand. Odessa smiled, shaking it. The woman introduced herself as Livna Liberman. Odessa noticed how, despite how cool Livna appeared, her hand trembled.

“Well,” Mrs. Leonard said pleasantly. “I’ll leave you two girls to get to know each other. I’m sure you’ll both be the best of _friends_.” Her emphasis on the word friends made it clear that was all they were to be. She clapped happily and took her leave.

Odessa and Livna stared at each other apprehensively until the footsteps faded from ear. Odessa watched as Livna methodologically unpacked her things, carefully placing her Torah on their shared bedside table. This was a camp with a heavily Christian influence, so it struck Odessa as strange to see a Jewish woman. Though, admittedly, Livna was probably just as surprised to see an Asian woman.

After finishing her own unpacking, Livna went back to her notebook, absently munching on the sandwich from the brown bag. It took her several minutes to notice the soft singing coming from Livna’s side of the room. It took another moment to recognize it as a Hebrew song. Laying aside her notebook, Odessa just listened as Livna’s low voice washed over her.

“ _Oshe shalom bim’romav. Hu ya’aseh shalom aleinu. V’al kol yisrael. V’imru, imru amen_.” Then, feeling Odessa’s eyes on her, Livna froze, a flush creeping up her neck. Odessa quickly shook her head, motioning for Livna to go on. She had such a pretty voice after all. Reluctantly, Livna murmured the same verse without meeting Odessa’s eye.

“Sorry,” she said, trailing off. “It’s just, I don’t really like singing for others anymore.” Odessa nodded, apologizing softly. She hesitantly asked for a translation. It was a Hebrew prayer that basically meant something along the lines of ‘ _He who makes peace in His high places. May He bring peace upon up and upon all Israel and say ye Amen_.’

“It’s very pretty,” Odessa said. “I’ve only ever heard Christian prayers, but um, I’m not very religious one way or another. I do like the music though. Um, if you don’t mind my asking…”

“What’s a nice Jewish girl doing in a place like this?” Livna supplied, smirking slightly. Odessa nodded, feeling the back of her neck grow slightly hot. Livna absently ran her fingers through her wavy hair, shoulders slumping slightly. Tiredly, she explained that she’d been outed as a homosexual to most of her community, and rather than risk ostracization she’d elected to come to Maine to cure herself of her unnatural feelings.

She spoke with such casual acceptance that Odessa felt certain this woman had never been given the chance to come to terms with herself and genuinely believed what all the pamphlets said about her kind. Her heart went out for Livna. For this poor woman who might never accept herself, especially after the camp finished with her.

Over dinner, carefully prodding, Odessa realized that most, if not all, of the others had come here of their own volition. Their self-hatred and fear already ingrained in them, Odessa could only imagine how easily they’d cave under the pressure. After that thought, she began to wonder how long it would take her to follow in their footsteps.

Everyone at the camp was white, as Odessa expected. A few people seemed wary of her at first. Maybe they had fathers who fought the Japanese in the war. Seventeen years was nothing in the grand scheme of things. People never forgot the war, and especially Pearl Harbor.

Being a reporter, Odessa had learned to be a sociable person in spite of any hostility. Something that most definitely did not come naturally to her, but she sure as hell could fake her comfort and ease. Livna, she noted, didn’t seem to suffer from the same anxieties, easily making conversation with anyone around her. Odessa made a mental note to keep one ear on the social butterfly of a woman.

After dinner, Mrs. Leonard led the women to the washrooms. The other guests started as they saw the open showers. With that same smile plastered on her face, Mrs. Leonard explained that right now they thought of the female body in a sexual way.

“To change that, and get you all back on track,” she said chipperly. “You’re going to become accustomed to seeing other women in various states of undress as something friendly, but not something arousing. Now, you’ll find towels and toiletries already labeled with your names. And if you need help with anything else, I’ll be right here.”

Odessa rolled her eyes, but went to retrieve the proffered items. They’d confiscated her utilitarian shampoo and conditioner, replacing it with some god-awful fruity smelling thing that she knew would probably give her a horrible headache. But she kept her mouth shut and started taking her clothes off.

Feeling someone watching her, she glanced over to her left at Livna who instantly looked away, flushing. Odessa smiled to herself before she could realize what she was doing. After she remembered where they were, she shook herself and stepped under the hot spray of water.

Suspiciously, and rather blindly without her glasses, she kept an eye on Mrs. Leonard who had settled herself down on a chair and promptly stuck her nose in a magazine. But the woman’s gaze didn’t so much as waver from her reading materials. Odessa concluded the director had never had a homosexual thought in her life, and lived happily straight.

Odessa worked the fruity conditioner through her long hair, glad that they’d at least given her a proportional amount. She almost felt grateful for being virtually blind without her glasses because she didn’t have to feel tempted to glance over at Livna.

She did anyway, though all she managed to make out was an impressive expanse of pale skin and shockingly red hair. The shapeless blob could have been anything really. So, without another thought to it, she resumed her hair care routine and quickly finished her shower.

Odessa expected the camp to provide rough or tiny towels, but the soft linens proved to be anything but. Though, the reporter had a sneaking suspicion it was more to feed into female gender expectations than any comforts. Women were, after all, supposed to pamper themselves with the finer things in life.

Back in their room, Odessa expressed her theory to Livna who nodded in agreement. Still wrapped in her towel, the taller woman riffled through the drawers to find the provided night clothes.

“Good lord, that is hideous,” Odessa deadpanned, staring at the pink and lacy monstrosity Livna pulled out. Livna couldn’t agree more, knowing how the pink would look with her hair. But she grimaced and dropped her towel to put it on. Odessa gasped quietly, staring dumbly at the naked woman. Livna caught her gaze and they both hurriedly looked away.

Pulling out a clean pair of – white with lacy trim – panties, Odessa deposited her own towel in the hamper. This time, Livna was the one who stared. Then, looking angry at herself, she knelt and began softly reciting her prayers.

Odessa examined herself in the mirror as she worked out the tangles in her hair. She’d never liked pink in her life, and hated it especially in that moment. With one last critical glance at herself, she retired to her bed to jot down some more observations before she went to sleep.

An hour later, Odessa laid aside her pad, and placed her glasses on the night stand. Still kneeling, Livna hadn’t yet stopped her prayers. Odessa drifted off to sleep, lulled into a calmed state by her soothing voice and the strange words.

Odessa woke to find the lace around the neckline had irritated her skin. When she mentioned it to Mrs. Leonard over breakfast, the woman had sighed sympathetically but informed her they couldn’t do anything about it, and Odessa would just have to grin and bear it.

“It’s woman’s lot in life, dear,” she’d said. Odessa nodded, keeping her own comments to herself. After breakfast, Odessa found out just how much gender reinforcement they’d be getting. The seven women trooped into the kitchen, arms laden with plates and utensils. They’d be split into three groups to take care of the three daily meals and the cleanup. That meant cooking, cleaning, and serving. There was a free hour before meals to accommodate for this, and a free half an hour after. Later, they’d learn the men would get to just sit around while they worked. It made Odessa’s blood boil, but she didn’t comment. She was here to get a story, not argue against the proceedings.

Odessa heard Livna urgently speaking to Mrs. Leonard about the food situation. Odessa vaguely remembered the Jewish religion had certain rules about foods. With them responsible for the cooking, she wondered how they’d accommodate for a specific diet. Mrs. Leonard reassured Livna there would be plenty of vegetables at each meal for her to eat. Odessa had a sneaking suspicion Mrs. Leonard had no idea what Kosher was. From the anxious twitch of Livna’s fingers, she apparently didn’t think so either.

After breakfast, the real fun began. The eighteen wayward homosexuals sat in a circle in an open room designed to be as pleasant and calming as possible. Odessa found it vaguely nauseating, but once again, didn’t bother to mention her opinions to the camp leaders. She did, however, mutter it under her breath. Livna heard, and had to mask her laugh with a loud cough.

“Okay, everyone,” Mr. Leonard, Mrs. Leonard’s husband, said. He was not, to Odessa’s blessed relief, suspiciously upbeat and cheerful. Instead, Odessa assumed he was supposed to be the definition of handsome masculinity, but really, she couldn’t tell either way. “I know this might be scary for some of you, or worrying for others. But we can guarantee by the end of the program, you will all be able to return to the outside world as fully functioning normal heterosexual people… _if_ you allow our methods to help you.”

“The first step,” Mrs. Leonard said. “Is to acknowledge your fault, and say it aloud. Now, I want all of you to introduce yourselves with your name, a little fun tidbit about yourself, and your admittance to your homosexuality. Once we can identify what is wrong, we can go about fixing you. We’ll start here.”

Almost everyone could barely get the words out, sounding both disgusted and horrified with themselves. One man looked about to burst into tears, but one glance at Mr. Leonard’s stony face terrified him into silence.

“My name is Odessa Powlett, I, um, enjoy reading in my spare time, and I’m a lesbian,” Odessa said. Instantly, everyone around her tensed. She furrowed her brow slightly, before realizing everyone else had stumbled through the word ‘homosexual’ while she’d easily admitted to being a _lesbian_. Uncomfortably shifting in her seat, she pretended to be very absorbed in the floor.

“My name is Livna Lieberman, I’m Jewish, and I’m also….um, I’m a… a lesbian,” Livna said. Odessa shot her a grateful look, but quickly refocused on the floor. Livna being Jewish didn’t seem to do her any favors with the staff either.

Mrs. Leonard smiled tightly, recalling their attention. Next, she instructed them to meditate on what they thought might be the root cause of their sickness. If they couldn’t think of anything, that was okay. She’d help them through it with a series of questions, and by the end of the session, they’d be able to confront their demons.

Odessa watched most of the guests close their eyes, deep in thought. She followed, but didn’t ‘meditate on the root cause’ because she knew very well the root cause. She was a lesbian because she just was. Other women were just so much more…everything. Soft, pretty, intoxicating… Odessa surreptitiously pinched herself. Now was not the time to think of that.

Only one or two of them could pinpoint a cause for their…illness. Even thinking it set Odessa on edge. One rotund man had been told by his doctor that his intake of fatty foods had turned him gay. Odessa wasn’t even surprised when the camp leaders nodded thoughtfully. One of the women quietly admitted to a traumatic event in her sexual history. She never said rape, but everyone knew. Livna laid a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Livna had a tougher time identifying her cause. Mrs. Leonard asked several questions that seemed to only confuse the woman more. Livna eventually admitted that she’d been an especially bright child, and as a result had been placed in higher level classes. In those days, girls’ education didn’t have nearly as much emphasis, so she’d been with mostly boys.

Mrs. Leonard nodded knowingly. She asked if Livna had a feminine touch in her life. Livna didn’t quite know how to answer. She had her mother, of course, but because she spent most of her time either at school or studying, she probably didn’t speak to her nearly as much as she should have. So that was it then. She just lacked a strong foundation in feminine roles. And they could certainly fix that.

Odessa wasn’t about to give the woman that easy of a time. She calmly went through her life’s story. Two parents in the perfect American family. Mostly. Her parents had adopted her as a baby when they couldn’t conceive. Her mother stayed home to tend the house while her father went out to earn a living. He’d served, she’d taught Odessa how to cook and clean. She had close girl friends growing up, and plenty of heterosexual influence.

Mrs. Leonard didn’t give up easily however. She asked Odessa to describe her current life. Odessa explained that she worked in an office as a – and here is when she reverted to her cover story – bookkeeper. Mr. Leonard scoffed at that.

“Now, dear,” Mrs. Leonard said. “You work in a traditionally male job. How many women are employed at your office?” There were three of them, including her, but the others were secretaries. Odessa rarely saw them. “Ah, that’s it then. It’s a boy’s club in there, surely. You’ve probably just…been around men for too long and gotten confused. Or their feelings for other women brushed off on you. Yes, that’s it.”

Odessa opened her mouth to dispute that. She’d suspected something was different about her since she was but a young child. Always women had been so much more attractive. But Mrs. Leonard quickly moved on to the next poor soul before Odessa could argue that.

She left that session feeling drained and furious, but she kept her face neutral. Three of the other women separated to go start cooking lunch. Odessa and Livna were on serving and clearing duty that day, so they went back to their room for a much-needed break.

“It’s completely ridiculous,” Odessa hissed, eying the open door with trepidation. She furiously jotted down everything she could remember in the notebook. Livna laughed quietly. She muttered something scathing about the leaders seriously believing food could have anything to do with homosexuality. But after a moment, she stiffened. They really shouldn’t denounce the process. The people who ran the camp knew what they were doing, and surely it all had its purpose.

Odessa shook her head in dismay. Deciding to do what she could to go against what they taught Livna, she acknowledged that she herself wasn’t here of her own free will. Which, technically, didn’t constitute an actual lie. Had she had a choice in the matter, she’d never have voluntarily gone to a gay conversion camp.

“You…you don’t want to be…you don’t want to be normal?” Livna looked utterly confused. Odessa nodded. Narrowing her eyes in annoyance, she said she never thought of herself as abnormal because of who she was attracted to.

“There’s nothing wrong with it, Livna,” Odessa said. “Really, all of this, it’s just…a false hope, I suppose. I personally believe being a homosexual is something that is innate about us, and talking about a root cause won’t do us any good. I think it would be better if you…if you accepted yourself without shame, but if you’re set on ‘changing’ please, don’t let me stand in your way.”

Livna looked stricken. She laid down on her bed and didn’t speak for the rest of the hour, instead staring up at the ceiling as she mulled over Odessa’s words. She’d never been told something like that before. That maybe what she felt for other women didn’t have to be something deranged.

Odessa and Livna went off to lunch without speaking. Pulling on her apron, she carefully doled out the steaming food. It smelled perfectly wonderful to her, but she noticed Livna flinch as she served it, and how she only ate the side salad, wincing all the while.

“Well, regardless of anything else,” Livna murmured, stabbing at a piece of lettuce with far more force than absolutely necessary. “I just might starve to death before this program finishes.” Odessa wordlessly pushed her salad towards the sullen woman. She didn’t particularly care for greens anyway.

After lunch, they split off from the boys again. Mrs. Leonard led them through women’s work. They scrubbed the floors, and dusted the shelves until each room they went through shone. Odessa scowled, her knees aching. She had not come here to be a maid to anyone. Not when her people didn’t get jobs elsewhere while she had.

The next day was filled with much of the same rubbish and drivel. Odessa kept her anger repressed, but she could tell the staff members were all on to her, and had their eyes out. They spent the mornings working through their root causes once more, and another camp leader led them through several rather terrifyingly ominous chants about the evils of homosexuality and the devil. They had to get down on their knees to pray to God.

Odessa didn’t believe, and Livna subscribed to a different religion. Both of them uncomfortably tried to follow along to prayers everyone else seemed to know by heart. The women were given special cross necklaces that they were not to take off. Odessa helped Livna fasten the clasp on hers, both gritting their teeth as they played along.

That day, their cleaning brought them into the men’s rooms. Another woman expressed annoyance. No one cleaned their rooms, so why should they play housekeeper to grown men? Especially men who were required to play sports and do activities that left them disgustingly sweaty. But Mrs. Leonard just clicked her tongue. She explained that women were expected to be able to pick up after others. Husbands, children, men. They needed to be proficient at it.

Once again, Livna barely ate anything at all. Odessa grew concerned as she accompanied her back to their room. The taller woman looked lightheaded, and Odessa knew she’d be no help if Livna fainted on her.

“Right, that’s it,” Odessa said, helping Livna onto her bed. “Tomorrow you’re going to show me how we can make a full meal kosher, so you won’t starve to death. One decent meal every three days isn’t ideal, but we’ll have to make do.

Livna murmured her appreciation, stretching out her long form. She barely had the energy to pick herself up again to head off to the showers.

That night, Odessa snuck off to the library in hopes of finding something about kosher requirements, but came up empty handed. All she could find were bibles, books on the evils of homosexuality, and readings definitely not Jewish.

Randomly selecting something, she sat down near the window, reading by moonlight. The book spoke of conversion therapy and methods to ‘fix’ a person. The more she read the angrier she became, and the tenser she got. The methods the book described sounded like…like torture. Nothing they’d been through. Surely these methods were outdated, and the camp would continue being about discussions, and gender role enforcement. Odessa could certainly handle that.

When she read children had to go through these monstrous techniques, she couldn’t help it, and bit back a sob. A few tears escaped her eyelids, but she couldn’t put the book down. Not until she knew exactly what happened.

She returned to her room, arms full of other books just like that first one. Livna slept on, a bit of moonlight filtering in to illuminate her beautiful hair. Odessa looked away. She couldn’t afford to develop feelings for anyone at the camp. Not if she wanted to repot the story accurately and without bias. That’s what her editors expected, though why they expected a lesbian not to have bias…

That night, her dreams were filled with flashes of red hair and pale skin.

Livna took her through the rules of what she could and could not eat the next morning. Meats had to be cattle and game animals with cloven hooves that also chewed the cud. Cows, bulls, sheep, goats. But not pigs. Meats also had to go through a ritualistic slaughter. Quick and painless as possible. Certain fats and veins were forbidden. Fish was acceptable as long as it had scales and fins. Even plants needed specifics.

They did their best to work around the rules and regulations, but it proved harder than Odessa assumed. Pasta became lunch, and salmon dinner. Livna avoided the wine, and Odessa said she didn’t drink. Something about her birth father being an alcoholic, and not wanting to chance anything. Mrs. Leonard supervised critically, but did not – thankfully – protest to their poor attempts at being kosher.

In her spare time, Odessa poured over the books she’d borrowed, marking pages with bits of paper that seemed important or useful in her future article. She decided it would have to be a feature piece or something that gave her ample word space. She had much to say.

Livna wandered over to her bed, curiously looking at the book. Odessa moved over, patting the bed. Together they took in the hateful words, both feeling slightly ill.

“This…this isn’t right,” Livna said, rereading one of the passages. “They can’t possibly believe this will work. It’s torture.” Odessa shrugged. They’d already gone through two and a half days of hell. Just this morning, they’d listened to a long-winded speech about the evils of homosexuality. The speaker had described, in grotesque detail, what happened to homosexuals in hell. He’d been fire and brimstone incarnate, screaming out how disgusting they were, and how if they did not repent they were degenerates and perverts.

Many of the guests had broken down in tears after that. Even Odessa felt the familiar sensation of loathing and self-hatred coil inside of her. But she refused to let the coil snap. Not again.

Reading those books on top of the exhausting verbal abuse she’d experienced that morning left Odessa tired and vulnerable. She unconsciously leaned into the warm body beside her, brushing up against Livna’s arm. They both tensed, exchanging fearful looks.

Livna immediately reached for her shock pen. They’d given them out on the first day with the instructions to use it if and when they had an impure thought about someone of the same sex. Odessa hadn’t touched hers since.

“Don’t,” Odessa said, resting a calming hand on Livna’s shoulder. Livna hesitated, pen poised to shock. “Please, don’t. You’ll just hurt yourself. I’m sorry, I won’t- I won’t make you uncomfortable. Just don’t use that thing.” Slowly, Livna nodded, setting it back down.

They inched apart, both flustered. Odessa angrily scolded herself for even accidently brushing against a woman who clearly wanted nothing to do with being a lesbian. Trying to make the woman understand she wasn’t wrong was one thing, but trying to seduce her – however unwittingly – crossed a line.

They kept reading, and though they now sat on opposites of the bed, Odessa could tell how Livna struggled to stay calm. Finally, the redhead couldn’t stop herself and grabbed for the shock pen.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t,” she said, genuinely sounding apologetic. She jabbed the pen at her arm, and they both flinched at the sound. Livna whimpered, but nodded in satisfaction. Blinking back a tear, she quickly retreated to her own bed. Odessa whispered an apology so quietly she thought Livna hadn’t heard. But the woman looked away, curling onto her side so she must have.

Odessa noticed how she used the pen a lot that day. And every time she did, a part of Odessa broke. It made her loathe herself more effectively than any speech by a zealous man of god ever could. That she had driven another woman to this by carelessly flirting or touching.

After the fifth time Livna shocked herself, sometime after lights out, Odessa couldn’t take it. With a soft cry, she reached for her own pen and touched it to her bare calf. She jumped at the sensation, nearly throwing the pen across the room. But she nodded in satisfaction just as Livna had. She would do her best to train herself not to instinctively flirt with the other woman.

From across the room, Livna watched her in surprise. Odessa thought she saw a flash of anger in her face, but they both looked away too fast to be certain.

The next day, Mrs. Leonard nodded in approval to see the pen sticking out of Livna’s apron pocket. It felt degrading to have done something that woman approved of. Odessa felt like jabbing the pen in _her_ neck to see how she liked it. But she didn’t. When she realized what the morning lesson would be, she wished she had.

Mrs. Leonard and two other female staff members let the eight women into a dimly lit room. The floor was covered in mats, and it struck Odessa as a type of room that might be suited for meditation or yoga. The soothing music, and incense certainly contributed nicely to the image.

They paired off, and of course Odessa and Livna ended up together. They both anxiously exchanged glances, forgetting the previous tension in favor of this new unknown potential threat.

“One common cause of homosexuality in girls is a lack of affection from the mother figure,” Mrs. Leonard said. “I want you to turn to your partner, and take turns being her mother. Now, mothers, show your daughter how you love her. Now is your chance to reclaim those lost moments!” She beamed at them. Odessa’s eyebrows rise high enough to be in danger of disappearing into her hairline and Livna’s eyes widened to an almost comical proportion.

Ignoring her skepticism, Odessa crawled into Livna’s arms. It was easy with their height difference. Feeling completely ridiculous, Odessa sank into the embrace as Livna hesitantly told her she was the best daughter ever, and other nonsensical adorations. But even as strange as the words were to hear from a woman she…from Livna, Odessa dared not take her attention away from them. For if she did, she’d just be comfortably nestled in her arms, pressed dangerously close to the other woman’s breasts.

They switched roles, and both women giggled at the size difference between them, breaking the tension in the air. A stern look from one of the leaders silenced them though. Eventually, Livna just laid her head on Odessa’s lap, stretching out. Odessa murmured soft praises, stroking Livna’s pretty red hair reverently.

It seemed absurd. Neither of them had particularly bad relationships with their mothers. They’d grown up perfectly fine, so this exercise was bound to change exactly nothing. But she couldn’t ignore the way Livna seemed to almost purr under her touch.

Mrs. Leonard led them through a multitude of physical touches. All of them designed to be interpreted as maternal, or platonic, or innocent. But it didn’t stop Odessa’s heart from wildly beating as Livna stroked her skin.

Normally, Odessa refused to let anyone touch her. The boys at the paper had tried being handsy in the beginning, but she’d instantly put a stop to that with a few choice words, and one or two stinging slaps. Even those who she considered friends knew better than to touch her without permission. Really, she only ever enjoyed the contact of…lovers.

“Women are naturally affectionate to each other,” Mrs. Leonard said. “It’s for this reason that it’s perfectly understandable that you all might have gotten confused in your relationships in the past. It’s completely acceptable to hug, or even chastely kiss female friends on the cheek. But you must understand, dears, anything more is simply deplorable. Come on now, go around the room and hug each other like dear _friends_.”

Hugging the other women, well it was alright, Odessa supposed. Some of them were rather attractive, and she’d enjoyed conversing with them. Had things been different, Odessa felt strongly these women would have done well in the workforce. Well, it didn’t matter anymore. Because they were here. And hugging it out seemed entirely counterproductive.

Still, Odessa would have gladly taken the hugs to what they went through next. Odessa had never been one to fuss over how she looked. Most of the time, she worked in some hot and sweaty cubical, and when she did head out to do her job, she found dressing feminine never did get the job done as well. And she liked wearing pants, and painting her lips red, and keeping her nails short. Using a typewriter with talons for nails never did anyone any favors.

“Oh, dear god,” Odessa said under her breath as they entered what looked like a beauty parlor for the mentally deranged. Livna dragged her over to one of the vanities, gleefully ignoring her protests.

The makeup laid out for them, of course, only came in shades of pink and a few nudes. Nudes that definitely did not constitute as skin tone for the tanned Odessa. She’d never touched a makeup brush before in her life, and she had no desire to start anytime soon. But Livna seemed far too intent on painting her like some suburban housewife.

“Don’t scowl,” Livna scolded, examining the various colors. “Just let me have a little fun. Do you trust me not to make you look hideous?” Odessa nodded reluctantly, undoing her functional bun, and letting her long hair tumble down. Livna distractedly ran her fingers through it, marveling at the silky texture.

Flushing slightly, Livna busied herself with working the tangles from the long strands, and wondering just what she’d be able to do with it. Odessa, seeming to read her thoughts, told her not to even bother trying to curl it. Her Asian hair never could hold a curl. At a loss, Livna simply brushed it out, and pulled back sections on the side to keep her hair out of her face. The clip, some delicate silver thing, looked admittedly very nice against her black hair.

“You look less severe, darling,” Livna commented, turning Odessa’s chin this way and that. “Now, let’s see what we can do about your face.” Livna seemed to be enjoying herself far more than Odessa thought possible. Not wanting to ruin the woman’s fun, Odessa didn’t protest as Livna brandished what she logically knew to be a mascara wand, but looked very much like a torture device.

She blinked as she was told, and soon was shocked to find she could actually see her own eyelashes. But when Livna reached for the eyeliner bottle, Odessa put out a gentle hand to stop her.

“Oh, darling,” she said. “Not with my eyes. You’ll never be able to figure out how to manage monolids. Best just to let me hide behind my glasses.” Livna pouted slightly, but consoled herself by choosing a nice lipstick that wasn’t pink, to Odessa’s relief.

Then, Livna set her sights on Odessa’s nails. Not quite as ragged as she usually had them. Mrs. Leonard had commented that she might want to grow them out, which seemed like an order rather than a helpful suggestion. The nail polish colors actually included red, though much brighter than Odessa would have liked. Livna chose it without even having to ask.

“I’ve never had my nails done,” Odessa commented, watching as the colored liquid stained her nails. She was not, however much she liked the color, prepared for the eternity it took to dry properly. During that time, Livna set about doing her own makeup at Odessa’s behest. Warning the taller woman she didn’t know the first thing about technique, Odessa insisted she do it herself so she could watch, and more importantly not mess up her pretty face. Livna flushed slightly at that, glancing at Mrs. Leonard who thankfully hadn’t heard.

By the time Livna finished her own subtle and feminine makeup, Odessa’s nails had dried, and she excitedly started on the redhead’s hair. Knowing little about the current hairstyles, Odessa instead pinned large curls strategically around Livna’s head.

“You look beautiful,” Odessa commented. Livna smiled, examining the elaborate hairstyle with wonder. She’s assumed Odessa would be as clueless with hair as she was with makeup, but the woman just shrugged, mentioning how she’d had lots of practice in college.

Still in good spirits, the two women went off to explore some of the camp during their free hour. Which mostly consisted of the library and the sitting room. Not that Odessa didn’t try to scope out some of the other areas, but locked doors generally didn’t invite warmth. Not that it had ever stopped Odessa before. She made sure to investigate without Livna at a later date.

Then, the second part of the day started. Odessa didn’t know that those last few moments reading in the library would be the last few bits of happiness for the both of them. For everyone.

Mrs. Leonard, accompanied by the majority of the female staff, led them back into the meditation room. Odessa, with her face wiped clean of the earlier activity’s beauty product, sat across from Livna once again.

“We have found,” Mrs. Leonard said, smiling. “That one of the most effective methods of curing people of their sexual deviance is aversion therapy.” Odessa tensed. Surely they couldn’t mean… “Ladies, I want you to all remove your blouses and bras, please.”

Most of the guests hesitated. Though they’d all seen each other in the showers, and in their rooms, here it felt completely different. But when Mrs. Leonard raised her eyebrow expectantly, they started moving.

Odessa kept her posture rigid, her nipples stiffening slightly in the chill of the air. Across from her, Livna crossed her arm over her stomach, keeping her gaze fixed on the mat below her. Odessa couldn’t help herself. She glanced at Livna out of the corner of her eye. Livna was beautiful. She had modestly sized breasts, that somehow were even paler than the rest of her. Her nipples, a pale pink, stood out prominently. Odessa longed to just reach out and-

“Touch each other,” Mrs. Leonard ordered. Eight heads whipped around in shock at her words. But the director’s face told them she wasn’t joking around. “Get as close as possible, ladies.”

Livna and Odessa stared wide eyed at each other. Odessa felt horrible about herself. This was exactly what she’d wanted to do, but not like this. Never like this. But Livna stretched out her legs, pulling Odessa onto her. Odessa, shifted, straddling Livna’s thighs. She kept most of her weight on her own bent knees, afraid of what would happen if she allowed her thinly clad womanhood to touch any part of the other woman. They sat eye level, for once. Hesitantly, the Jewish woman reached out, brushing Odessa’s long hair over her shoulder to give herself unobstructed access.

Odessa had small, but proportional, breasts that stood out proudly. With an apologetic wince, Livna cupped the soft flesh, tracing her fingers along the underside. Odessa’s skin erupted in gooseflesh, but her body felt hot under Livna’s tentative ministrations.

“It’s okay,” Livna whispered, seeing Odessa’s internal conflict. She pushed out her chest slightly, her heart pounding. Odessa nodded, running her thumb over a hardened nipple. Livna couldn’t stifle her gasp of pleasure. She instinctively grabbed Odessa’s hand, holding it against her breast.

Suddenly, she shrieked, recoiling. Odessa hissed, snatching her hand away. Mrs. Leonard stood over them holding a shock pen. It hurt far worse than the ones they’d been given early on. She motioned for them to continue, turning her gaze on the three other pairs of women who’d all looked over in horror at Livna’s shriek.

Mrs. Leonard and the other staff members kept wandering around. They jabbed anyone with the pen who looked like they were enjoying themselves, and even some who were just mechanically touching their partners with horrified expressions. They seemed particularly keen on disrupting Odessa and Livna. The entire time, they recited foul insults against homosexuality, shaming each guest for her desires.

After the initial shock, it took both women a moment to recuperate. Odessa warily crawled back onto Livna’s lap. Still breathing erratically, Livna had to squeeze her eyes shut and breathe before she could touch Odessa again.

The harsh yelps of pain made Odessa jump every time. She trembled slightly, until Livna laid a calming hand on her waist. They went back to touching each other, softly at first, then more firmly at one of the staff member’s insistence.

Odessa kneaded Livna’s right breasts, leaving a fleeting impression of her fingers on the pale skin, as she rolled and pinched the other breast’s nipple between her thumb and index finger. Livna arched into the firm touch, her lips parting. But she managed to stifle the soft moan threatening to break free.

It didn’t matter because a staff member came around and stuck a pen in both women’s shoulder blade. They both flinched, Livna gasping in pain, but didn’t pull away. After the fourth shock, Odessa knew to continue, actually redoubling her efforts to bring Livna pleasure in a vain attempt to block out the pain with pleasure.

Their fondling felt lovely, but the shocks hurt more. And of the two of them, Odessa broke first. The next shock hurt like no other. Odessa, embarrassingly aroused yet in horrible pain, had inadvertently let out a nearly inaudible moan when Livna caressed her neck and traced her nipple. Mrs. Leonard bent down silently, and without either of the two noticing, reached between them and touched the pen to Odessa’s exposed areola. Odessa screamed, reflexively shoving the woman away.

The pen touched her for just a second, but it left her in agony. Mrs. Leonard nodded in satisfaction, turning to the others. Livna frantically rushed to Odessa’s side, helping her sit up. Around them, other women had already broken down in tears, but it wasn’t embarrassment that made Odessa press a hand to her mouth and bury her face in Livna’s neck.

But she only stayed that way for a second, knowing another shock would be on the horizon if she did. Livna softened her touch, avoiding Odessa’s left breast entirely. It didn’t too much in the grand scheme of things. The shocks still came, and soon Livna could no longer hold back her tears. She wept, clutching Odessa’s hand desperately. She wanted nothing more than for it to end. Her breasts ached, and even Odessa’s touch just hurt even more.

To everyone’s relief, the session came to an end. Or so they assumed. Mrs. Leonard ordered the women to line up side by side. Then, starting on one end, she called them up to the front where they were to bend over, flip up their pretty skirts, and pull down their pure white underwear.

“This lesson should have sapped your unnatural desires from you,” Mrs. Leonard said, snapping on a pair of latex gloves. The guests, mortified, kept their heads down, most still crying in pain. Their pretty makeup from earlier ran down their faces.

Odessa didn’t give Mrs. Leonard the satisfaction of looking away. Instead, she stared straight into the woman’s eyes, wondering if perhaps this was a product of her repressed homosexual feelings. But Mrs. Leonard didn’t appear to relish in touching the guest’s genitals, instead spreading their netherlips with brutal detachment.

The women squirmed in humiliation even when they weren’t on full display. Those who displayed an unapproved amount of wetness were shocked one last time on the back of their thigh.   

When Livna was called forward, her entire body blushed. She bent her tall frame over at the waist, exposing her most intimate parts to the room. Shaking with anger and humiliation, she barely registered the shock at the back of her thigh.

Odessa stepped up last. Seeing the other women debase themselves still didn’t quite prepare her for the indignity of the situation. Being bent over and made to present herself like a child about to be spanked felt like the ultimate degradation after what she’d suffered. Though, she supposed it could easily have been even worse.

Odessa knew she’d be shocked. Though the pain had definitely tempered her arousal, just being near Livna seemed to be enough to damn her. She expected the pain, but it still caused her entire body to spasm. She’d hated Mrs. Leonard before, now she despised her.

With a disapproving look at all of them, Mrs. Leonard told them to redress and clean themselves up before taking their free hour. It wouldn’t do for any of the men to see them like that. No one looked at each other as they composed themselves. Odessa splashed her face with cold water, willing her swollen eyes to return to their normal state. She felt horrible for the three women who had to rush to the kitchen to prepare dinner.

Everyone ate in silence, the only sounds the scraping of silverware against plates. From the stricken looks on the men’s faces, they’d gone through a similar ordeal. Odessa halfheartedly observed everyone.

She knew why she’d had to be the one to go undercover. The others, the men, they’d have just rolled their eyes throughout the first three days, wrote some careless piece that got buried in other news, and left. And even if they stayed, those men would have run for the hills if they were told to touch another man’s penis. But Odessa, a genuine lesbian, would stay. Her editors knew she’d stay, and she’d take it, and expose the truth. Because she _was_ bias, and she had skin in the game.

In the showers, everyone kept their heads bowed, unable to make eye contact. Odessa twisted around, trying to see if those pens had left any marks on her skin, but couldn’t see any. Her breasts ached, and her nipple still tingled. Minorly concerned for her health and wellbeing, Odessa lightly scrubbed at the sensitive area, jerking away at the first contact. With a deep breath, she tried again, this time successfully cleaning herself without fear of a shock. It would take more than hours of conditioning to break her.

The heat of the water stung. Odessa turned the knob, allowing cold water to cascade down her breasts until her entire body shivered from the cold. It felt good, though, to feel something other than electricity in her body.

The moment she and Livna returned to their room, Odessa furiously flung her own shock pen at the wall. She collapsed onto her bed, shaking in anger and exhaustion. But she dutifully pulled out her notepad and recorded every humiliating detail of what happened. Her own pride no longer mattered.

That night, Odessa didn’t even bother to wear her lace-trimmed nightgown. She crawled under the sheets in just her underwear, wincing as she rolled from her stomach to her back. She listened to Livna mechanically say her prayers, and then she listened to her quietly sob herself to sleep. Odessa felt sick, but she had to endure. She just had to.

Without thinking, Odessa climbed out of bed, and knelt at Livna’s bedside. The woman had passed out from exhaustion, but maybe just maybe she’d hear what Odessa said.

“Livna,” Odessa whispered, not wanting to wake her. “Livna, my darling. Don’t let them break you. Don’t let them convince you that you’re not fucking perfect, and that your feelings are unnatural. They’re the ones who aren’t natural, believing they can change a person. Believing they have a right to torture us. Being a homosexual is not wrong. It’s not!”

She didn’t like how small her voice sounded. Not just quiet, but small. Almost unsure. Almost. But Odessa wasn’t going to break over this. She could withstand humiliation, and even torture. But she had to see her stay through. And she had to make sure Livna came out of it as unharmed as possible.

Two people left that morning. The remaining guests moved through the next day terrified they would be forced through another day of torment, but instead they attended Sunday morning church where another pastor ranted and raved. They’d already been given the damnation speech, but this man seemed to treat it like an art. He paced up and down in front of them, screaming in their faces and flailing his hands.

Those unlucky enough to be in the first row shrank back in alarm. After yesterday, they knew he wouldn’t hold back from striking anyone.

Odessa kept her gaze fixed on the back of the person in front of her. The man’s words burned, and in spite of herself, Odessa felt worthless. Next to her, Livna bowed her head, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. Odessa reached over, squeezing her hand quickly before pulling back. Livna relaxed slightly, fingers fiddling with the cross necklace around her neck she so despised. This wasn’t her religion. These weren’t her prayers or words.

They stood at the pastor’s behest. Turning to page 329 in their hymnals, they mechanically sang songs of praise to god. Songs that labeled them as sinners, wretched, disgusting. Neither Livna nor Odessa did much more than mouth the words. And when they returned to their room, Livna immediately knelt at her bedside, murmuring her Hebrew prayers.

With a shy glance at Odessa, she even started singing. Albeit almost inaudibly, but with enough volume to catch Odessa’s attention. The reporter set aside her notes, but she didn’t turn her head. Not wanting to frighten Livna back into silence, she just listened to how beautiful she sang.

“Did you ever have a hymn you loved more than any other?” Livna asked, trailing off. Slowly, she picked herself up off the floor, and moved to sit at the foot of Odessa’s bed. Odessa through back to her childhood. All those Sunday mornings spent in church, and Saturdays in mass. Not to mention Wednesdays… Catholicism had never agreed with her, even then. 

“ _Make me a channel of your peace. Where there is hatred let me bring your love. Where there is injury, your pardon Lord. And where there’s doubt, true faith in you,_ ” Odessa sang. She hadn’t heard that song in years, but somehow still remembered the words. “ _Make me a channel of your peace. Where there’s despair in life let me bring home. Where there is darkness, only light. And where there’s sadness ever joy.”_ It seemed so fitting, those words. And at a time like this, Odessa needed that comfort.

Livna smiled. The tune seemed made up based on the way Odessa changed the rhythm slightly. She sounded so lovely. Odessa scoffed at that. She’d never sang for anyone else before, so she couldn’t possibly be lovely of all things. But Livna just smiled again and shook her head, insisting that lovely certainly was the proper word.

Odessa rolled her eyes, but felt her pulse speed up slightly. Livna caught her gaze, the smile slowly sliding from her expression. Her eyes flickered down to Odessa’s plump lips. Odessa inched forward, compelled to be as close as possible. The smaller woman reached out, brushing a stray curl from Livna’s face. Livna whimpered, grabbing Odessa’s thigh, and digging her nails in. And to both their surprise, she moved first.

They sprung apart just as fast as they came together. Livna touched her lips, stunned at herself. Slowly, she shook her head.

“We can’t,” Odessa whispered, pulling back. “But god, Livna. God, I want to. But we can’t because we’re here, and there’s still two weeks.” Livna nodded slowly, but this time she didn’t move from Odessa’s bed. Silently, they both agreed to just forget it ever happened. But they both knew it would never work like that.

Almost a relief, they didn’t see much of each other aside from meals the next day. Each guest was assigned an hour to speak with a psychologist. Odessa already questioned their credibility and credentials, but then, the DSM listed homosexuality as a paraphilia. Something that came as a result of a wire crossed in the brain, or a traumatic event, or anything but the truth. That some people just preferred others of their own sex.

It surprised Odessa that such a religious camp would bring someone in who subscribed to science. But then, she supposed she’d never understand people who believed in a faith. Well, almost never. Livna seemed to be the exception.

Odessa smoothed down her skirt, and sat across from Dr. Bayer. She was the third woman Dr. Bayer had seen that day, but from her cheerful face you’d never know. She sat primly, with her legs demurely crossed at the ankle. She wore pastel pink, and looked as feminine as anyone Odessa had ever seen. Well, if the camp were to bring in a female doctor, it made sense that it was this one.

“Let me make your job easier,” Odessa said, cutting to the chase. She didn’t want to be here for a second longer than she had to be. “I’ve had a perfectly normal childhood, no trauma, no bad experience with a man. I just like girls more. I like the way women act, and how they look, and why the do anything. Women are just…perfect. And no amount of you talking about my mind will change that.”

Dr. Bayer smiled tightly, leaning forward. The other two women had been all too happy to gobble up what she had to say, looking for any cause or way to fix them. But not Odessa. And Dr. Bayer liked a challenge.

Back and forth they went. Everything Dr. Bayer had to say, Odessa was quick to dispute. Dr. Bayer brought up the boys’ club at Odessa’s work. Odessa countered that her first crush had been on a little girl with pigtails in grade school. Long, long, before she ever set foot in her office. Long before she knew little girls couldn’t like other little girls.

“Fine, you know what you are?” Dr. Bayer said, finally snapping. Odessa smirked. Whatever it was the doctor had to say, Odessa had probably heard it before. “You are a disgusting little girl whose parents spoiled you rotten, but never saw you as their true child. You’re just a disgusting little yellow traitor who just loves being different, and playing victim. You think you like women to be different, when really, you’re just a screwed up little dyke. Your parents must be so ashamed of you.”

“I think we’re done here,” Odessa said coldly. She stood, forcing herself to keep her posture steady, untense. Dr. Bayer smiled all too smugly, but Odessa didn’t give her the satisfaction of acknowledging her.

Instead, she turned on her heel, calmly walking out the door, past the others, and into the gardens outside. One of the staff members, wearing a gardening hat, and gloves, tended to the flowers. Wordlessly, Odessa moved to her own corner of the plot, forgoing the gloves despite the staff member’s insistence.

She plunged her fingers into the fertile soil, yanking up weeds. Whatever that charlatan said wasn’t the truth. She knew for a fact that she didn’t like women for attention. The mere thought made her cringe. That she would choose to be a social pariah, detested by all, was laughable if it didn’t offend her so. She’d never chosen to be a homosexual.

“But even if it were a choice,” Odessa muttered bitterly, clawing at weeds. “I’d still choose this path. I’m not wrong, I’m not. I am _not_ unnatural, or- or- a fucking degenerate. I’m not.” But she didn’t sound nearly as sure as she had when she first arrived. And that terrified her.

Two days of just psychological torment lulled them into a false sense of security. This time, Mrs. Leonard brought them to a dark room with a screen set up. One by one, they removed their skirts and underwear, blushing hotly.

Odessa fidgeted with the hem of her blouse, resisting her urge to cover herself. She’d never been shy about her body, but here it felt wrong and invasive. Next to her, Livna crossed her arms over her stomach, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot.

They all sat down in the plastic covered chairs, reluctantly spreading their legs as instructed. The moment the staff members began to place wires and pads on their inner thighs, Odessa started to panic. Beside her, Livna whimpered, and the screen turned on.

“Masturbation is sinful,” Mrs. Leonard said. “By associating this dirty action with dirty thoughts, we can curb you of your sickness. Now, begin!”

Odessa stared at her incredulously. She couldn’t seriously expect them to pleasure themselves like this. But, wincing, Odessa moved a hand between her legs, focusing her attention on the screen in front of her. She felt her body grow hot, images of scantily clad women flashing across the screen. The images grew more and more lewd, and in spite of herself, Odessa felt herself growing more and more aroused.

She slowly traced circles around her sensitive area just near the top of her genitals. Unable to resist, she glanced at the other women. A few of them moved clumsily, as though they had no idea what to do with themselves. Livna, though embarrassed, looked more than affected by the stimuli. She arched her head back, watching the screen through heavily lidded eyes. Her hand moved frantically, and from her body language, Odessa could tell she knew what she was doing.

Watching Livna sent a new wave of arousal through Odessa’s body. She hissed, arching her back. The shock didn’t come as much of a surprise, but it did make her cry out in pain. Livna looked over in alarm, chest heaving. Odessa shook her head, turning away. Knowing Livna could see her in this state humiliated her more than any shock. She reluctantly returned her hand to her intimate areas, flinching as she grazed her clitoris.

Livna closed her eyes, tears leaking out. A shock forced her to open them once more, refocusing on the pornographic images in front of her. The woman on the screen lay spread out, lewdly displaying herself. She was a beautiful woman, and Livna wanted her. They all did.

Odessa hated herself in that moment. Here she was, spread out against her will, being shocked, and humiliated. And still, her body betrayed her like this. Made her wanton, shameless. She undulated her hips, breath coming in short quick gasps. In an effort to preserve some of her dignity, Odessa moved her focus from her clitoris to her nether lips, stroking up and down. It lessened the tension slightly, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to hold off the inevitable forever.

The high-pitched whimpers coming from Livna, didn’t help. Odessa didn’t turn her head, using every ounce of self-control she still had. But no matter how hard she tried to block out those intoxicating noises of arousal, she couldn’t.

The noises grew more and more desperate, yet no louder. Livna thrashed, the shocks coursing through her. Odessa couldn’t help it. She rubbed at her clitoris, gasping. It hurt. It hurt so much. The woman on the screen was now joined by another. They embraced, kissed. Odessa wanted nothing more than to be out of here. To be home…with Livna. She chanced a glance, and immediately wished she hadn’t.

“Oh…god…” Livna moaned, throwing her head back. She whimpered and keened, her hand frantically rubbing herself through her climax. One hand came up to clamp over her mouth, but already the other seven other women turned to stare at her in fascination. Livna slumped in her chair, panting in exhaustion. Watching her pushed Odessa closer to the edge, but she managed to bite back her noises of pleasure. She watched Livna exhaustedly lay limp only to jerk back awake at the intense shock at her thighs.

Seeing everyone watching brought a crushing sense of shame to the Jewish woman. She bowed her head, tears of disgust flowed from her face. But she brought her hand back between her legs, flinching. She peeked to her left, meeting Odessa’s gaze.

“I’m so sorry,” Odessa mouthed, shuddering as her pleasure overcame her. She convulsed, bucking against her hand. Livna watched, unable to break eye contact. They both blinked, Odessa coming down from her high, and the spell broke. Hissing in pain at the shock, Odessa angrily growled. Livna should never have…she should never have seen her like that, getting off at Livna’s shame.

They didn’t look at each other again for the entire session. Odessa climaxed twice more to images and film of those two women rutting up against each other. She resolved to enjoy herself. To enjoy those images because it was exactly what the camp didn’t want. The shocks, coming at random intervals, did little to help her.

The session ended, and the wires taken away. Odessa rose unsteadily, struggling into her clothes. The staff once again had them line up. Odessa swore, if they checked for fluids between their legs… But instead they were given discreet boxes.

“We discourage sex outside of marriage, of course,” Mrs. Leonard said primly. “But given the circumstances, it is necessary you all learn the pleasures of being with a man. These…tools will help you along. Use them daily as instructed.”

This time, the female guests showered before dinner. They all stank of sweat and sex. Most quietly sobbed, both at the pain between their thighs, and the shame of it all. Odessa remained stoic, angrily scrubbing at her skin, and working the conditioner through her hair. Happy, for once, at her abysmal vision, she had no reason to see any of the others. She could simply block it all out, channeling her self-hatred into rage.

“Hypocritical bastards,” she quietly hissed, returning to her room. Only Livna could hear, and she didn’t think she needed to worry about her. “To force us to…to pleasure ourselves in front of other people. The act of masturbation is supposedly considered a sin in that sham of a religion, but here we are.”

Livna anxiously hovered nearby, listening to Odessa’s rant. She patted the bed, hoping to calm her down. But she understood Odessa’s fury, patiently waiting out the storm. Finally, her steadfastness paid off, and Odessa flopped onto the bed. Then, remembering the box, she rolled onto her stomach to grab it from the floor. She still wore just her towel.

Livna cleared her throat pointedly, looking away respectfully. She stood, striding over to the wardrobe to dress for bed. The outraged growl brought her attention back to the other woman.

“What…what is _that_?” Livna asked, hurriedly pulling her nightgown over her head. A distinctly phallic looking object lay on the floor where Odessa threw it. Growing angry once again, Odessa explained the camp expected them to fuck themselves with a false penis to turn themselves straight. With furious certainty, Odessa declared she’d never touch the damn thing again. Livna took it to mean she’d probably make no move to pick it up either so she bent to retrieve the offending object.

With a disdainful sneer, she shoved it, and her matching one in a drawer. Her body ached, but she just sat heavily on her bed. There was no chance she and Odessa could cook that night. Maybe the camp understood because no one came to collect them except to bring them a tray of food. Pork. Only a small bowl of salad.

“You need to eat,” Odessa said tiredly. “After today, you really need energy.” But Livna shook her head, somberly munching on both her and Odessa’s salad. Odessa gave her the bread too. She ate both servings of pork, formulating a plan in her mind.

That night, she snuck out to the kitchens, cooking Livna something substantial as best she could. It took less than half an hour to return, and though she hated to wake the exhausting woman, Livna needed to eat something.

“How did you get this?” Livna asked, voice heavy with sleep. Odessa just smiled, lifting the fork to her mouth. Livna smiled, feeling an unfamiliar warmth surrounding her. She felt cared for. Odessa sighed, wishing she could do more, but knowing she couldn’t. Livna ate, beginning to feel better.

“Did you ever wonder what it would be like to be able to live without everyone judging?” Odessa whispered. Livna nodded. Odessa sighed, standing. She’d imagined it every day of her life. Wondering what she would have been able to accomplish had she been in a universe that didn’t keep her in some cage. Maybe she’d be just like she was now. A damaged, insecure, woman hopelessly attracted to a woman just as damaged as she.

Without looking at Livna, Odessa slipped back into her own bed, turning to face the wall. Livna stared at the prone figure in confusion, but nodded slowly, laying down. Two weeks, just two weeks. Neither woman knew if they could survive fourteen more days of this.

Four days passed, two of them consisting of repeats of earlier electroshock aversion therapy. No one smiled anymore. No one spoke to each other if they could help it. Odessa and Livna only dared to speak once the lights turned out. It felt safer that way. Less likely to bite them in the future. And when they did, they barely got out more than a few words at a time. Another poor soul left in those days.

Odessa did all she could to channel her emotions just into rage. Anger she could work with. She could manage that just fine. But if she allowed herself to acknowledge how much they were beginning to get to her, she’d lose the game. And she’d come too far to lose this fucking game. But, god help her, she’d never be the same again.

Their four-day streak of silence broke when Livna walked in on Odessa in an indelicate situation. She’d been speaking to Dr. Bayer, and got out early. Obviously, Odessa hadn’t expected her back quite so soon.

She lay on her back, completely nude, with her hair fanning out on the pillow. Her hand worked between her parted legs, and her small breasts heaved.

Livna clapped a hand over her mouth, quickly shutting the door behind her. Odessa gasped in surprise, pressing her pillow over herself. Her frantic breathing, and flushed face told Livna everything she needed to know.

“I- I’m sorry,” Odessa stuttered. “I- I- just…I couldn’t let them take this from me as well. Aversion therapy shouldn’t work if I don’t let it. If I- um, if I pleasure myself in more favorable conditions, it might disrupt the conditioning. I’m sorry, I’ll go somewhere else. If you’re uncomfortable, I’ll switch rooms, or…”

Livna licked her lip, breathing heavily. Odessa blinked, staring at her obviously affected expression. Slowly, she lowered the pillow, placing it behind her. Livna whimpered, staring at Odessa’s body. She’d seen it all multiple times, but never like this.

“We shouldn’t,” Livna whispered, but her hands already started fumbling with the buttons on her blouse. Impatiently, she merely shoved down her panties, and flipped up her skirt, laying down on her own bed.

Odessa rolled onto her side to face her. Livna shoved a hand between her legs, and moved aside her bra.

“Where’s your pen?” Odessa asked, voice unsteady. “Oh…Livna, your pen.” Livna shot her an uncredulous look, but dug it out of the nightstand. Odessa held up her own, albeit broken, pen. If anyone walked in they could just claim they were reinforcing yesterday’s session. She said the words bitterly, but the soft moan Livna elicited drove those thoughts from her mind.

“Odessa,” Livna moaned almost inaudibly. She did her best to stay silent, so Odessa could just barely hear her. She wanted to turn her head and hide her face, but Odessa kept her eyes on Livna’s. There was no shame in this. That’s the lesson she wanted them to remember when the shocks became too much.

“It’s okay,” Odessa gasped. “This is natural, and pleasurable. No shame in this, understood? Oh, god…” She pressed a hand to her mouth, shuddering through her orgasm. Livna followed soon after, lying limp on her bed.

“You’re beautiful,” Odessa whispered. “Livna.” Livna smiled sadly, rolling onto her back. She stared up at the ceiling in a post-orgasmic daze. She knew she needed to redress before they were discovered, but for just a moment, she listened to Odessa’s steady breathing, and her own pounding heartbeat.

Odessa eventually sat up, redressing. Livna followed suit, summoning her courage to look Odessa in the eye. The smaller woman clasped her hands, waiting until she had Livna’s full attention.

“If you wish to ‘turn heterosexual’ though I sincerely doubt it’s possible, I won’t fault you,” said Odessa. “But I won’t have you coming out of here shamed about yourself. About pleasuring yourself.” Livna nodded, swallowing thickly. Her heart still raced frantically, and Odessa knew it. They stayed like that, Odessa kneeling at Livna’s feet, until Livna finally pulled away.

“We should go,” Livna murmured, fixing her hair. “They’ll wonder where we are if we’re late for cooking.” Odessa nodded, standing up. She smoothed out her skirt, and pulled back her hair. She looked anxiously at Livna who patted her hand. They shared a small smile, and trudged off to the kitchen.

Mrs. Leonard eyed them suspiciously, but Livna merely nodded politely. Odessa stuck her head in the refrigerator, relishing in the cool air. Then, she got to work. She’d promised Livna she’d show her how to make a – kosher as possible – Southeast Asian meal.

“It’s just food, Mrs. Leonard,” Odessa said when the woman protested. “Here. You’re welcome to join us. Here, Livna, can you chop these vegetables up please?” Odessa opted for chicken, rather than her preferred beef. Livna could manage chicken well enough.

Mrs. Leonard opted not to help, and in fact left the room to discuss something with her husband. Odessa just smirked, ducking into the spice cabinet to see about what she could torment the white people with. They never could handle a good spice. Livna laid a restraining hand on her shoulder, reminding her that maybe bringing more pain to the guests wasn’t such a good idea. Odessa just nodded, muttering about how the Leonards’ might benefit however. And Livna didn’t have any issues with that at all.

“It was a bit petty, don’t you think?” Livna commented, slipping into bed. Odessa shook her head, smirking. Considering she had electrical burns on her inner thighs, no she did not think so. Livna agreed, but decided against feeding Odessa’s ego.

They spent the next day scrubbing the camp clean, and learning their proper gender roles. Odessa admittedly didn’t pay much attention to the going ons. Too caught up in the previous day’s event, she spent her time fantasizing about what could have been.

Oh, how she’d have loved to slowly undress the taller woman, kiss her senseless, and gently press her to the bed. Odessa would worship her. Make her forget everything that had happened, and make her feel like she was worth a damn.

But she couldn’t do any of those things. So, instead, she hung the laundry on the line, weeded a bit of the garden – with gloves this time – and scrubbed the floors until her knees ached. No one seemed to notice how closely she and Livna worked to each other. Though they constantly bumped elbows, neither made any move to back away.

When at last they could disappear into their room, they shared a mischievous smile tinged with sadness. Odessa brushed out her hair, and Livna braided hers. They didn’t speak, ignoring the elephant in the room until finally Odessa stood.

With a deep breath, she flicked her wrist, dropping her towel to the floor. Livna’s eyes roved over her body. Without thinking, she reached out only to recoil as though…as though shocked. Odessa shook her head, stepping closer to kneel at Livna’s feet. When Livna didn’t protest, Odessa reached up to gently pull away her towel.

Livna flushed, crossing her arms over her chest. Even towering above the small woman, she felt exposed and vulnerable. But Odessa drew her arms away, pressing a soft kiss to the tops of her breasts. Livna whimpered, reflexively spreading her legs.

“Wait,” Livna said, closing them quickly. “Odessa, we- we can’t. Please, I just can’t. I’m sorry.” Odessa immediately backed away, nodding. She reassured Livna she never had to do anything she didn’t want to. With a shy blush, Livna asked if maybe they could just stick to what they’d done yesterday.

Odessa nodded, smiling. She scrambled back onto her bed. Propping a pillow onto the wall to face Livna. Maintaining dizzying eye contact, she spread her legs, running a hand down her neck. Livna took a shaky breath, mirroring the other woman.

In the dark, they could just barely see each other, but it was enough to know the other woman sat across from them. Livna whined, fingers working to stimulate her clitoris. Odessa watched, more interested in the view before her than her own pleasure. She hesitantly reached up to cup her breasts, flinching ever so slightly. But when no shock came, she relaxed into her touch.

“Are you- can you touch your breasts?” Odessa asked, groaning. Livna nodded hesitantly, doing her best not to be too rough. She rolled her nipple between two fingers, but instantly pulled away. She just couldn’t do it. Not without being sent back there in that horrid false-relaxation room. Odessa nodded in understanding, trying desperately not to succumb to the same conditioning.

“Oh…” Livna gasped, slumping down further to find a better angle. “Odessa.” Her eyes slipped shut until she could only hear Odessa’s uneven breathing. Odessa orgasmed first, tightly gripping the bedspread. She hummed in satisfaction, eyes fluttering open to see Livna becoming frustrated with her lack of leg room. The tall woman huffed, turning onto her back. Though it obstructed Odessa’s view, the smaller woman didn’t mind in the slightest. Moments later, Livna climaxed, burying her face into the pillow.

With a relaxed sigh, she rolled on to her stomach, too exhausted to even think of dressing for bed. But Odessa pulled herself up, and went to go collect both of their clothes. No use being caught come morning.

“What are we doing?” Livna whispered, slowly cleaning herself up and putting on her clothes. “Odessa, we- this can’t continue after we leave. I mean, for god’s sake, we’re at a _conversion therapy camp_! We’re here at this place and…and I think I’ve fallen for you.”

Odessa inhaled sharply, staring at her wide-eyed. But Livna continued; “And I can’t. Because as much as…as important as you’ve become to me, my family and my community are worth more. I’m so sorry, but I can’t.”

“But…but you have to know you can’t change!” Odessa said, wincing at the slightly hysterical tone in her voice. “Livna, this place. Please, it’s not safe for us.”

“I know,” Livna said sadly. “I know I can’t be…I can’t be norm- I mean, I can’t be what my community wants. But I have to try. And, if I have to marry a man, and produce children, well, I have to. That’s my choice, and I’m sorry.”

Odessa nodded, but unbidden tears came to her eyes anyway. She turned her head, scurrying back to her bed before Livna could see. It struck her as absurd. That she should feel so strongly about a woman she’d only just met barely two weeks ago. Especially at a place like this. But somehow, against all odds, she’d fallen for Livna in return. And they were completely doomed.

At breakfast, Mr. Leonard announced he’d be leading the bulk of the guests on a nature walk. Odessa shot Livna an incredulous look, seriously hoping she would not be in _that_ group. Odessa did not do nature. Mr. Leonard read of several names, none of which were Odessa’s, and one of which was Livna’s.

Odessa looked around at her fellow non-hikers, suddenly growing very, _very_ worried. She recognized the three others as the problem guests. And she knew she herself was a problem, but this couldn’t possibly bode well. The solemn look on Mrs. Leonard’s face didn’t reassure her at all.

She led them into the church where the pastor stood waiting for them at the altar.

“You have all invited the devil into your souls,” the pastor proclaimed. “Mrs. Leonard had tried to save you all by giving you a second chance, but you four have been nothing but trouble. That is no way to repay her selfless actions. Clearly the devil has hardened your hearts against the Lord. We must do all we can to rid him from you. You, woman. Come here.”

“You can’t mean what I think you do,” Odessa said, speaking up as he pointed at her. She took a small step back, tensing to flee. “You must be out of your mind to think I’d let you lay a hand on me.” Mrs. Leonard gripped her arm, and for the first time, Odessa saw an outward manifestation of the hateful woman she truly was.

“You will corporate or we will have no choice but to resort to force,” Mrs. Leonard hissed. Odessa glared back at her, daring her to touch her again. She’d do many things, but they would drag her kicking and screaming before she ever consented to such a thing. “Very well.” Mrs. Leonard, straightened her blouse, and shoved the small woman at two of her staff members.

They seized the struggling woman, forcing her to the floor on her knees. One of the staff demanded she remove her shirt, but Odessa would be damned – literally – before she exposed herself to any man. Mrs. Leonard frowned, motioning for one of the female staff to take care of things. Odessa screamed, kicking and clawing, but the loud tear told her they’d succeeded. Off came her ruined shirt, followed by her bra. They gave her a sheet to hide her shame, but forced her to the ground.

Wildly, Odessa looked around for an escape, but the other three guests only looked on in terrified horror. Each entrance was blocked off, and people encircled her immediate surroundings. She looked up in horror as the pastor stood above her, brandishing a cross and a small bottle of holy water.

“No, no please,” Odessa begged. “Please! Don’t do this.” She weakly thrashed, beginning to cry as the pastor screamed at her, brandishing his cross. He demanded the devil give up his hold on the woman before him. Odessa growled at him, clutching the sheet to her chest. He narrowed his eyes, raising his cross and bringing it down on her back.

She screamed, but he paid no mind as he brought the cross down again and again. Eventually, the two staff members holding her down backed away, but Odessa could barely move. She lay prone on the hard wood floors, sobbing as the priest screamed bible verses at her and flung holy water. It didn’t, of course, sizzle against her skin, but it still made her flinch back.

“Please, stop” Odessa whimpered. She could barely muster the strength to lift her head. She coughed painfully, certain he must have struck one of her ribs too hard. But the pastor showed no signs of stopping. She barely registered two pairs of arms dragging her face down onto a table and securing her limbs. She refused to make it easy for them though, and writhed in spite of her exhaustion. The ties that bound her had absolutely no give to them at all, but it didn’t discourage her. She pulled until the skin of her wrists felt raw.

The first time the pastor’s blows broke skin, she shrieked in agony, cursing foully. Unsure how much longer this would last, she tried desperately to stay alert.

“Begone, foul beast,” the pastor roared, striking her once more. Distantly she could hear the staff members chanting prayers all around her. And the exorcism continued. Growing frustrated with her resilience, the pastor tossed aside his cross, grabbing a cord. The lashes across her back stung, beating against her until she bled.

Unable to stand the pain any longer, she slumped onto the table, barely conscious. She wasn’t even sure she could still breathe anymore. A final sprinkle of holy water caused her body to jerk reflexively, but she remained silent.

“May God have mercy on you,” the pastor said, straightening his jacket. He pointed to her, motioning for them to untie her. She whimpered as they wrapped her bloodied and bruised body in the sheet. Barely awake, she just managed to hear Mrs. Leonard say that she hoped that would invite the fear of God into them, and they’d be able to fully embrace the treatment. They would not be exorcised. Relieved, she passed out.

They deposited her onto her bed, leaving behind medical supplies. But no one came to tend to her wounds. The pain woke her up from her unconscious state, making it impossible to black out once more.

Certain she’d cried herself out, feeling a fresh wave of hysterical tears wash over her sent her reeling. Which was how Livna found her hours later.

“You are so lucky you didn’t have to- Odessa!” Livna rushed to her side, taking in the bloodied sheet. “Odessa, my god. What did they do to you?” Odessa whimpered pathetically, trying to untangle herself. Livna hushed her, carefully unraveling the soiled linens. She nearly screamed, clamping a hand over her mouth as she saw the state of Odessa’s back.

Though she had no idea what to do, Livna knew she needed to help in some way. With shaking hands, she picked up one of the bottles, reading the label.

“Okay, sweetie,” Livna soothed. “Okay, we’re gonna fix you up, darling. Lay still, this will sting a bit.” Odessa made some noise that Livna took for assent, so she poured some of the liquid. They both practically heard her skin sizzle, but Odessa did little more than twitch.

She wasn’t, Livna saw to her relief, bleeding much. Really only from two places rather than every single bruise. The lashes on her back very nearly glowed, but hadn’t been enough to break the skin. The cream helped to sooth the burning skin, but barely.

“I’m okay,” Odessa murmured, sitting up with a pained hiss. “Come on, we need to get dinner ready.” Livna glared at her. Odessa was not going anywhere, thank you very much. Not like this. But Odessa insisted. Not showing up would be seen as weakness. And Odessa hadn’t withstood an exorcism of all things to be labeled weak.

Livna knew she couldn’t stop her, so despite her own misgivings, she helped Odessa dress. It astounded everyone to see the small woman up and moving, but the moment they returned to their room for the night, Odessa passed out from the pain.

Without even being given a reprieve, the six remaining female guests went back into the room with the dreaded screen the next day. Odessa stopped dead in the door, her back feeling as though it was on fire. But Livna coaxed her forward.

“There will be no electroshock therapy today,” Mrs. Leonard announced to sighs of relief. “Today we shall be working on positive reinforcement. Training your minds and bodies to respond to the…normal stimuli. Please, ladies, remove your skirts and underwear once more. Stimulate your genitals to completion. Hopefully this will make everything clear.”

The screen switched on, displaying images of fit and – what Odessa assumed were – handsome men. She wrinkled her face, looking at the man in distain. But she shifted forward in her seat to keep anything from touching her back, and brought a hand between her legs. She was dry as a desert, and rubbing at her clitoris in an attempt to arouse herself, but the men on the screen put an immediate damper on that. Well, them and her smarting back.

Beside her Livna, seemed just as hindered. Odessa noticed the woman glancing at her ever now and then. Her looks always coincided with a slight hitch in her breathing, or a twitch. That gave her ideas. Fixating her gaze on the top corner of the screen, Odessa let her mind wander. Anything to keep her mind off of the agony she felt.

She imagined Livna, as shameful as it was to think about. What could have happened that night had Livna not pulled back. Had they both been willing and anywhere else, Odessa would have shown the tall redhead the true meaning of pleasure.

But, almost sensing Odessa’s thoughts, Mrs. Leonard, forced her to turn her attention back to the screen. The man stood completely naked. Odessa felt sick, looking in horror, but the camp director stared at her expectantly, so Odessa smoothed her features, rubbing at herself.

Soon, the man stood over a nude woman, and Odessa knew what was to happen next. It made her stomach churn to see the man hovering over the woman, beginning to thrust into her. The woman lay motionless, appearing almost bored as he penetrated her vagina. When the man, stupidly quickly, spilled his seed, Odessa had to look away. But the horrifying image of that disgusting substance burned itself into her brain.

She managed to keep it together until she and Livna made it back to their rooms. Almost immediately, Odessa flew to the window, retching. Livna appeared at her side, gathering up her hair, and rubbing soothing circles into her back until she felt Odessa flinch.

“I’m sorry,” Livna said quickly, moving to stroke Odessa’s arm. Odessa ducked her head back inside, wincing. “Come on.” Livna steered her to the bathroom, grabbing her tooth brush and a glass.

“That was disgusting,” Odessa murmured, flopping onto her bed with a pained whimper. They just had four more days, but she didn’t know how much more she could take. Her journal lay under her pillow, yesterday’s torture forever etched in the paper. She barely remembered writing it, but knew she must have.

She barely ate at dinner, only able to stomach a few mouthfuls before remembering those gruesome images and wanting to retch again. But Mrs. Leonard kept looking at her with infuriating smugness, and Odessa’s pride refused to let her falter again. Not after that bitch of a woman witnessed her beg.

Livna promptly put her foot down, however, when Odessa made to head to the showers with the others. Wetting her bandages would do Odessa no favors, so she’d better just swallow her damn pride and understand the extent of her injuries. But Odessa shook her head, insisting she needed to wash herself, injuries be damned.

Angry and frustrated with the stubborn woman, Livna stormed off, refusing to hear any more insanity. Odessa resisted the urge to scream, instead gathering her toiletries and heading off. And, just like she suspected, despite pointedly ignoring her, Livna kept one eye out just in case. Had Odessa not secretly agreed with Livna’s ire, she’d have been far too smug for her own good.

“I’m sorry,” Odessa said when they were alone in their room. “Really, I am. And…you were right, I was being foolish.” Livna pursed her lips, managing to ignore Odessa for a solid seven seconds before relenting. She grabbed the creams, and bandages and motioned for Odessa to lay down.

Odessa smiled in gratitude, falling asleep before Livna finished rubbing the ointments into her battered skin. Shaking her head in exasperation, Livna gently covered the smaller woman with the bedspread, and with one last affectionate look, went to bed.

Two days later, everything fell apart at the seams. They’d had such a peaceful day yesterday. Or rather, as peaceful as one could get while being psychologically damaged and emotionally stunted.

The camp leaders called everyone together, integrating men and women for basically the first time. The guests all eyed each other warily. The two men who had bourn witness to Odessa’s exorcism, nodded at her. While Odessa didn’t exactly nod back, she did maintain brief eye contact.

“We have found this next treatment to be overwhelmingly successful in curing our guests of their homosexual desires,” Mrs. Leonard said. “Everyone pair up with someone of the same sex. Odessa, Livna, up front. Now, please remove your clothing – all of it – and step onto the dais.”

Livna stared at the woman in horror, shaking her head frantically. She couldn’t do that, she just couldn’t. But Mrs. Leonard refused to let up, impatiently tapping her foot until the two women began to slowly strip, the taller of the two shaking like a leaf.

“Livna,” Odessa whispered, touching her gently. “It’s going to be okay. Don’t focus on them. Just focus on me, and we can get through this.” Livna nodded, not at all convinced. So, covering herself as best she could, she stepped onto the dais, bowing her head. Mrs. Leonard ordered her to lay on the table, and place her arms at her sides. Livna began to softly cry.

“Odessa,” Mrs. Leonard said, glaring slightly at the livid woman. “Please climb on top of Livna, and begin to simulate lesbian sex. Everyone else, we must shame this act. Shame, shame, shame!” She took up the mantra, followed by her staff. The other guests looked on in horror, but soon caved and began to chant.

Odessa spread her body across the other woman’s, beginning to slowly roll her hips. Livna couldn’t even turn her head lest she see the surrounding crowd rake their eyes over her body. She sobbed, barely able to move against Odessa like Mrs. Leonard ordered.

“I’m so sorry,” Odessa murmured, pressing herself closer if only to shield them as best she could. Livna shakily placed her arms around Odessa’s back, trying to trace soothing patterns around the bruises and cuts.

“Shame, shame, shame,” the crowd chanted hatefully. Then, Mr. Leonard called out a hateful slur, and the damn broke.

“Disgusting whore!”

“Fag!”

“Filthy lesbian!”

“I can’t, I can’t,” Livna sobbed, beginning to hyperventilate. She stopped moving entirely, struggling to breathe. Odessa immediately leapt off of the sobbing woman, apologizing profusely. Around them, the crowd jeered, throwing disgusting insults.

Unable to stand it, Livna took off, clutching her clothes to her chest. Odessa made to run after her, but Mrs. Leonard grabbed her arm, dragging her back. She motioned for one of the male guests – Adam, a man who Livna had been close to in the beginning – to follow the fleeing woman instead. Adam, wide-eyed and stunned, hurried out, with a backwards glance at Odessa.

“Please,” Odessa begged. “She’s hurting because of you, so let me go to her and try to help! Please, she’s my friend, for god’s sake. You want us to be caring towards our friends, so let me go to her.”

Mrs. Leonard wrinkled her nose, staring at the tiny woman, but she finally shoved at the woman, nodding. Odessa took off, throwing her dress on over her head as she raced off to find Livna.

The redhead sat hunched over in the garden, dry heaving as Adam hovered anxiously above her, clearly at a complete loss. The moment Odessa came into view, he looked relieved, quickly tripping over himself to leave them alone.

Odessa knelt next to Livna, apologizing over and over for something she knew she’d never be able to fix. Livna shoved her away, shooting up in a rage. Odessa stared up at her in shock, unsure.

“Who the hell are you?” Livna hissed.

“Livna-” Odessa picked herself up off the ground. She couldn’t understand what Livna meant, and why she’d turned on her like that.

“Every night, I watched you write pages and pages in that notebook of yours. You kept a complete log of everything that’s happened. You wrote about _me_ in there. And I thought, fine, maybe you just wanted to keep a diary, but then, _then,_ I find out you’re some reporter from the Big City doing a story on us. I mean, _fuck_ , are you even- do you actually like women or was that a lie too?” Livna vibrated with so much fury, Odessa shrank back in fear.

“Livna,” Odessa said, raising her hands in surrender. “Please, it’s not- yes, I am a homosexual. Why else do you think my editors sent me here? Yes, I am here undercover, but isn’t that a good thing? I can expose what’s happening here and make sure no one ever has to go through this shit again. Please, Livna.”

“Don’t touch me,” Livna snapped, stopping Odessa from reaching for her. “Fine, sure. So, what, you just decided to get close to someone to get something juicy for your article? I actually thought…you know what, never mind. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t handle being mocked, and jeered at while being forced to _literally have sex with you_. I am done with everything.”

“But…Livna,” Odessa said, trying again. “It’s just two days. What about your family and community? You were so sure about everything. About being straight for them.”

“Well, maybe I don’t want to be a heterosexual,” Livna said. And the moment the words left her mouth, she knew it was the truth. Taking a deep breath, she nodded. “I am done with putting myself through hell to become someone I know I can never be. I am a homosexual, and I’ll never be normal, and maybe I’ll burn in hell for it. But I can’t stay here. You were right.” Livna bitterly laughed, wiping at her face.

“You were so very right about me, and I hate you for it. Because I am what those people all say I am. A sexual deviant. A dyke. A useless lesbian bitch,” Livna squeezed her eyes shut, pressing a hand to her chest. “And I just don’t care anymore.”

And then she left. And then Odessa was alone.

The moment Livna checked out of the camp, Odessa crumpled. She hadn’t realized it, but it had been Livna who kept her sane and alert. Kept her from running away the moment the camp handed her the shock pen. And without her, Odessa stopped fighting. She went through the motions, enduring shocks and humiliation without protest. Mrs. Leonard must surely have believed she’d finally broken the willful woman. Odessa wasn’t so sure she wasn’t right.

At the graduation ceremony, with just twelve of the original eighteen guests still present, Odessa blankly listened as the staff and family of the twelve came out to support and clap about their…cure. She accepted her certificate of heterosexuality without comment. She hoped desperately Livna was okay, wherever she was. That the camp hadn’t completely destroyed her. It wouldn’t have surprised her if Livna never recovered, but she still held out hope.

Impulsively, just before she entered her cab away from that camp forever, she turned to face Mrs. Leonard one last time. The woman had that maniacal smile plastered on her face once more. Without regret, Odessa spat in her face, throwing her certificate into the mud.

“See you in hell,” Odessa said, putting on the most vindictive smirk she could muster. Judging by Mrs. Leonard’s stricken face, she’d done well. With a last bitter laugh, she entered her cab and drove away for the last time.

When at last she set foot in her own apartment, she broke down. Her neighbors surely must have believed her to be dying for the screams she made sounded ungodly to even her. Her back stung and ached, the bandages clumsily reapplied by her own hand without Livna to help her. But she only allowed herself an hour to wallow in self-pity before she pulled out her notebook and began transcribing her chicken-scratch handwriting. Pages upon pages piled up until at last, hours and hours later, she finished.

Her body begged for sleep, and her stomach for sustenance, yet she knew if she stopped before she finished, she’d never want to begin again. The words came, piles and piles, and though she tempered her rage in some areas, she let it fly in others. She could not be objective when she had been beaten and tortured and broken. She spewed fire and blood, condemning and insulting, and not giving a damn.

Almost a month after she set foot in the office, she waltzed through the doors, not even bothering with subtlety. Heads turned, eyes bugged out. Odessa Powlett had returned. She wore red lipstick.

Without knocking, Odessa walked right into the editor’s office. She did not close the door behind her.

“What is the meaning of this, Miss. Powlett?” the editor blustered, standing up to his full height.

“I have come to deliver an excerpt of my upcoming memoir for your paper, Mr. Wallace.” Odessa said simply, craning her neck to look the man in the eye. “My stint in that place has irreparably damaged my psyche. This is a copy of my resignation letter, effective immediately. You’ll not be seeing me again, Mr. Wallace. At least, it you’re lucky.” Editor Wallace grunted, eyeing her suspiciously as he leafed through the papers. Well, this was what he got, he muttered, for hiring a woman to do a man’s job.

Odessa curled her lip in distain. Had a man, she snapped, gone through what she’d been subjected to, they’d have run for the hills by day four.

“Would you like to know what I suffered? All of you,” Odessa turned to the rest of the office workers who hadn’t taken their eyes off of the altercation. She marched into the center of the office, raising her voice in ways she’d never been comfortable with before.

“Yes, I bet you do. Listen closely, gentlemen, and tell me if you could do the same in my shoes. I went to a gay conversion therapy camp as an honest-to-god homosexual. The camp director humiliated the guests. Forced me to expose my naked body to strangers. Ordered me to spread my legs and _masturbate_ as they shocked my breasts and inner thighs just millimeters from my genitals. Oh, are you uncomfortable by this? Not half as uncomfortable as I was, I’d wager, when the director ordered a pastor – a man – to violently strip me half naked as he performed an exorcism and _beat_ the devil out of me using a metal cross. Anything it took to fix me, and cure me of my ‘abnormality.’ Rape, torture, humiliation. They didn’t give a damn. But I haven’t even gotten to the gory details yet. You can read about them in my upcoming book. Good day, gentlemen.”

When she spoke, she felt powerful. Thriving on their bewildered mortification at hearing a woman speak so candidly. But when she exited the building, and felt the sweltering city heat, she wilted. She’d promised them a book, but no publishing company in this city would want a memoir about a lesbian woman’s experience at a gay conversion therapy camp. No matter how scandalous.

Odessa couldn’t help herself. She remembered walking home in a daze. No career, no livelihood. That damn camp took everything from her. She’d been confident in her own sexuality, ruthless in her job, and shameless about her own body. Now, she just kept hearing nameless and faceless voices jeering at her with words that cut like a knife. She could barely walk into the office without almost imperceptibly shaking. And she never wanted to take off her clothing by herself let alone in front of another again.

Somehow, she mindlessly wandered into a corner store and made a beeline for the bottles. Odessa had never had a drop of alcohol in her life. She didn’t trust her genetics; her family history or her own body size. But she snatched up a bottle of whiskey anyway, and scurried home, cradling the glass to her chest.

She didn’t drink it.

Odessa hurried to her cabinet and snatched up a glass, nearly knocking a stack of bowls to the floor. Feeling like she must have consumed half the bottle already, she slowly and shakily poured a tumbler of the amber liquid. Odessa raised it to her lips, and tilted her head back. Then, feeling disgusted with herself, she flung the glass across the kitchen, shattering it across the hard tile floor. She sank to the ground with a sob. Bits of glass cut into her palm, but she barely noticed.

Later, she poured the rest of the bottle down the drain. No matter what, she wasn’t going to fall down that rabbit hole. They couldn’t take this from her, she declared, beginning to vacuum up the glass bits. She would not be like her birth father. Then, with a determined breath, she sat in front of her typewriter and began her story.

It took Odessa Powlett years to finally claw her way back up to a good place in her life. She never worked another day for a newspaper, though she did send a complimentary memoir to Editor Wallace. She hoped he appreciated it.

The bar that night, just a few months after Stonewall, looked almost deserted. Odessa preferred it this way. She never did feel comfortable surrounded by people in tight spaces again. Which, of course, made public transportation an adventure, but that wasn’t so bad. Bars, though, that never failed to make her twitch anxiously.

Odessa heard her before anything else. Without even thinking twice, she spun around in her stool, eyes darting all around until at last they settled on a tall red-haired woman with a loud mouth and beautiful blue eyes.

“Livna,” she breathed, frozen as she drank in the sight of a woman she thought long since gone. Livna looked…wonderful. Here she was, wearing a leather jacket, red lipstick, and standing in a known queer bar. Oh, how Odessa hoped she’d turned out alright.

“Odessa?” Livna spotted her, slowly moving towards the bar as though she couldn’t believe her eyes. Odessa couldn’t help it, and she absolutely beamed. It would have been embarrassing if she wasn’t so in awe. “Odessa, you’re…you’re here…but you said you didn’t drink.”

“I don’t,” Odessa said, lifting her club soda. “Oh, god. Look at you. You’re…wow. What have you been up to in order to look this amazing?” Livna blushed, and Odessa had to smile at that. All this time, all they’d been through, and Odessa could still make the redhead turn red.

“I’m an activist now,” Livna said, smiling as she sat down on a vacant stool. “But, um, it was hard for a long time. I went back to my community, and when they saw I hadn’t…changed, they tossed me out. It actually felt relieving though. Like I could finally breathe. But I still didn’t really start to accept myself until I started seeing a real psychologist. Not like that Dr. Bayer. Sometimes, it’s still hard, but I’m doing what I can. What about you? I read your book. Thank you.” Odessa smiled slightly, looking down.

“Oh, the book. Well, censors made sure I never made more than the initial profits off of it. But, uh,” Odessa looked around conspiratorially, grinning. “They’re selling like hot cakes on the black market, I hear. Money shows up in my mail with no explanation, but who am I to question a way to survive, right? Not like I have any other job prospects.

As for everything else, I tried seeing a professional, but the first didn’t exactly help, and I just didn’t have the time what with writing and all.” Odessa shrugged, leaning closer slightly. “My way of coping meant I picked up women. Lots of women, and I think I must have put myself in situations I wouldn’t normally have had I not been so…so desperate to be okay with…being a lesbian again. But, there hadn’t been anyone in a while. Did you ever find a girl?”

“Yeah,” Livna said, absently tracing Odessa’s thigh. Odessa shivered, inching closer. “I- well there was this one girl, but we never went further than some kissing and a bit of fondling. She was sweet, but she never really wanted me for much more than experimentation. And then the other woman, well, we just didn’t work out. It ended before anything could happen. It never felt right. She wasn’t…she wasn’t you.” Livna ducked her head, wondering if she should feel ashamed.

“Livna…” Odessa shifted closer, almost sitting on top of her. She reached up, tracing Livna’s face. “Please, can I? I mean, I’ve wanted to for so long.” Livna nodded, leaning down. Gasping, the two women’s lips met for the first time.

Some might have thought it seven years too late. But for them, they were right on time. Stable, independent, alive. Seven years ago, Odessa Powlett and Livna Liberman weren’t in any right mind. Ashamed, broken, angry. But now, the writer and the activist, they could finally embark on a journey together without the past drowning them.

“Take me home,” Livna whispered. Odessa nodded, and together they walked out of the bar, hand in hand. Odessa laughed, and Livna softly sang. The air had been feeling like rain all day. Above them, the sky opened up and the rain poured down. They could practically feel the electricity in the air. And for the first time in seven long years, they just laughed. Laughed and laughed as the lightning storm crashed down around them.

**Author's Note:**

> Numbers to call if you need:
> 
> LGBTQ National Youth Talkline: 1-800-246-7743  
> LGBTQ National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564  
> LGBTQ Senior Citizen Hotline: 1-888-234-7243  
> Trevor Project Suicide Lifeline: 1-866-488-7386.


End file.
